Photo Credit: Toa Heftiba, Unsplash.com
This article is part one of a two-part series entitled, “After the Breakup”.
The number one major contributor as to why people struggle with a breakup is that they cannot stop communicating.
When you cut all ties with your former partner you give yourself the space to heal, to assess what just happened and why, to figure out what worked and what didn’t, and to get back on your feet and start moving in the direction you want to go.
While it can be a little difficult, the No Contact Rule is the absolute best way to take your power back and act in your best interest. It’s soothing, healing, and has tremendous benefits.
You may be tempted to break the no contact rule. You might feel like you need to talk to your partner one more time, just for this one thing, just this once. But don’t do it! Read my blog post After the Breakup: 7 Ways to Not Break the No Contact Rule for tips on staying strong through this difficult time.
The best time to institute the No Contact Rule is immediately following the breakup. But if you didn’t do it then, no worries! You can implement it at any time. If it’s been a few weeks, months, or even years, you can still initiate the No Contact Rule and feel the benefits right away.
See my blog post, After the Breakup: 5 Ways to Implement the No Contact Rule for the details on how to set and keep a successful period of No Contact with your former partner.
Here are the top 10 reasons the No Contact Rule will help you kick ass after your breakup:
Take your power back. You make decisions for yourself and you are in control of your life. You know what is best for you, and if you have kids, you know what is best for them. Listen to your heart and your intuition, which is that little voice inside you that leads you to what you should do. Trust yourself.
Rediscover and align with your values. There’s nothing that feels worse than doing something that goes against what you believe. Take this time to reacquaint yourself with the things that are important to you. During your last relationship you probably put your values on hold or completely buried them. With the No Contact Rule, you’re able to rediscover the things you love and reprioritize your life around them.
Signal that you care about yourself. The No Contact Rule sends a message loud and clear to your former partner that you care about yourself and your dignity. You’re important and awesome. You have immeasurable and intrinsic value beyond any earthly price and you need to know it! You matter and are important.
You will not be manipulated. You know what you want and that includes taking care of you. You will no longer act out of alignment with your values, especially at the request (or demand) of your partner. You will no longer do anything that does not sync up with what you believe.
You’re a first class citizen. You care about you and you deserve to treat yourself, and have others treat you as the unique, wonderful, awesome person that you are. Your partner clearly did not align with your highest self and you will not stand for that any more.
Your former partner is not the only fish in the sea. He/She is not the end-all-be-all in partners, or the relationship would not have gone the way it did. My former partner used to tell me I would never find “anyone else that would treat me as good as he did”.
NEWS FLASH!!! There are hundreds… no, thousands of people out there who will respect me and treat me even better than he ever did, and the same goes for you.
Focus on friends, family, and things you love. You might have put some of the people and things you love on the sideline during your relationship. Now is the time to pick them back up. Give your old friends a call, plan an evening out, visit your family, and stay as long as YOU decide to stay. Visit the city garden, go for a hike, attend an acoustic gig at the coffee shop. This is all about you.
Get quiet. Being single again feels a little strange, and that’s ok. It’s good to stay with yourself, pet your cat, light some candles, start (or restart) a mindfulness practice and focus on your breathing and being in the current moment. It’s not especially easy, at first, but having a relationship with you, and being your truest self, is awesome. Love this quiet time, embrace it, let it flow through you, and really feel it.
Analyze the relationship. This is going to be a critical activity to help you not make the same mistake again. With the clarity that comes from practicing the No Contact Rule you have time and space to really assess what happened with some objectivity. Identify what you liked about your partner and the relationship, as well as what you didn’t like about your former partner and the relationship. What were the red flags that showed themselves early on in the relationship? Can you find patterns that are present in other relationships? For more on this activity stay tuned for my next blog post, After the Breakup: Relationship Assessment.
Practice asking for what you want, and not accepting what you do not want. This final tip is all about setting boundaries and is really important in building relationships with anyone going forward. It signals that you know that your feelings and needs matter, and that you care enough about yourself to communicate exactly what you want. You can set limits as to what you will accept and what is considered a deal breaker.
The No Contact Rule can be challenging to implement but it has immediate and lasting benefits to your healing, and to getting you back on your feet, and pointed in the right direction.
You’ve got this! You’re so worth it!